You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Randomize
