I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
