totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
