so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
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