I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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