I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
