How's tricks little girl?
Trix are for kids, old man.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
this boner is exhausting
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Randomize
