he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
No more Irish car bombs ever.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
