I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I guess there's some 16 and under softball tournament and they all are at my work. what is a 21 year old to do?
The responsible thing...show them the break room.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
