Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
