Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
