you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
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