How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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