and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
