btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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