my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
i'm covered in glitter and body paint WTF
We're showing the video later bring pizza
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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