I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
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