I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I cockslap morals
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table