I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.