If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.