Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Randomize
