you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
27 Parents Confess Shocking Secrets Their Kids Don’t Know
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
These 23 People Had The Most Insane Spring Breaks Ever
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
COCAINE IS GR8
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.