Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
Cleveland boys shit in their own pumpkins in their own living room. Got pictures to prove it.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
Randomize
