I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Randomize
