Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
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