Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
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"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
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Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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