I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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