I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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