I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
