Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
