Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
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There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
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I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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