Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I'm seriously scared right now. Woke up next to 3 geese and a lot of feathers ..
Randomize
