you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
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