I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
YAS. BRING CRAB.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
Randomize
