lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
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I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
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I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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