Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
