Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Randomize
