You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
