So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
