We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
