im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Randomize
