At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
