put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Randomize
