i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
