my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
