Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
