I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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