I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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