I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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