do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
