tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
