She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
