I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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