i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
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did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
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I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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