Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
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